im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
