He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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