I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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