Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
