What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize