I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
