The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I smell like Dick and happiness
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
