if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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