you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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