god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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