booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
