i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I know her cup size but not her name....
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