i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
