Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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