We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
