it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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