What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
