i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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