Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
