Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Enjoy the penises
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
