I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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