Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
