i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
