it hurts more in the daytime
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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