My boss' voice literally gives me gas
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
