my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
