I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
