Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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