i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
