they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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