if i can run in heels then i can drive
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize