Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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