I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
