You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
