There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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