I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
