just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
