Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
