I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
