I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
