Need sex. Gaining weight.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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