i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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