If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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