Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
