I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
