you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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