he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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