even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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