I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
