When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
