so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
