I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
