My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
