Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
