I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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