She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
