I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
